Pull yourself together

Sometimes you want to forget about some reviews or technical articles and…just think about something. Shall we try?

Over the past six months, many different events have happened that prevent me from simply turning the page and moving on. I guess I need to draw a line somehow to understand where I am, who I am, and what will happen next. But where did it all start?..

Six months ago, I was still serving in the military and attempted suicide. It was caused by my unwillingness to return from the war crippled, because the loads that were placed on me destroyed my back even more than it was already destroyed. I do not consider it my duty to protect this country with my life and health, but at least I made an attempt – I did not run away from the TCC officers, did not swim across rivers, did not hide in the basement. It simply turned out that a person with a technical mindset (despite the number of drones and the need to repair them) has no better place than to drag 6-meter logs onto a car. Choosing between “finally breaking my back” and dying, I chose the latter. Would I make such a choice again if, somehow, I was back in service again? Yes. It’s just that this time it would end the way it should have ended the first time.

When I returned to the unit to hand over my military belongings, especially friendly comrades joked about “give me a prescription for pills” and the like, not understanding that it wasn’t a farce. But that’s their problem and… no matter how it sounds, they are where they are now, I am where I am now. Because, no matter how much they expected it of me, I didn’t become another man, who voluntarily left the military unit and simply chose my own path.

For a long time after I came to my senses in the hospital, I didn’t understand how to live on and what to do. I had the feeling that I was no longer here and I didn’t make any plans except for the ones I had already completed. So it was hard to find the strength in myself and move on. To find things that would be better than taking and swallowing pills again, thereby closing this issue once and for all. And I tried to find the desire to live in different things. There was an idea of ​​moving, so I created an English-language blog (this place 🙂 ) in which I felt more free and open. This was the beginning of a new life. Which began with the fact that I pierced my ear. Foreign documents were drawn up, in the new documents I changed my signature to one that reflected the new me. The inner me.

The further we looked for options for moving, the more it became clear that at the moment all roads were closed to those who wanted to leave on good terms. And the option of “going abroad to work at a factory” always existed. There was a desire to learn the Czech language and go and get a simpler job somewhere, where it would be possible to work for less money, but have at least some free time for creativity. But it turned out that it would be a little difficult for us to learn the language while being in a different reality. Not in a place where this language sounds. So the plans for moving were postponed indefinitely. Every time the plans were thwarted, it became clear that your world was collapsing again and you were rolling back to the previous moment, if not even further.

Now everyone is say for a “truce,” which may not happen anytime soon, but everyone is waiting for it, and the prospects for some kind of move are even fewer. And where can I go with the health that was left after serving in the army? A month ago I started treatment for my back, and it is not yet clear where it will lead me. However, without it, there will be very few options, because my back suffered the most during my miltary service. That is why I am doing it.

Previously, there was an understanding that “even if there is money…”, but after returning from military service, I saw how this world has changed, so from “a completely normal life” everything has shifted to a state of survival, when you exist here and now while you have something to live on, and then… it doesn’t matter either a factory “somewhere over there” or a poor life somewhere here. Because you can’t buy much with a salary of $150, and it would be good if it was at least enough for groceries.

Living in a city with a population of 12k people, you can’t have any bright prospects in terms of your own business in the city. But you just want to believe that somehow it will all work out and you will be able to live at least as before. Especially if this war would end at least in some form. Because there is an understanding that if no one buys anything from us – this only means the fact that in general the economy is not in the best condition, as are the people in the country.

For now, I plan to get a job at a library and develop various local projects. Is it possible to somehow leave, given my inner “sense of justice”? I think not, but we’ll see. Because the question now is not whether to move somewhere to another country, but to find yourself and your place and simply live, enjoying your hobbies, listening to music and relaxing. If you were able to survive, then you have to live. Isn’t that right?..

At the moment, the old blog should no longer exist, because I planned to transfer valuable articles to the new one, and on the old one, I simply stopped paying for the site. But plans have changed dynamically, so now instead of two sites I run four. Is it difficult? No. It is no harder than living for people under constant bombardment or those who are currently in the trenches. Because there are always those who are worse off now, and it is far from me.

Sometimes it seems that I really, really need to find myself and my path and follow it. I thought for a long time that after two moves it becomes clear that our path is the path of people who will never stop in one place. And maybe this story of two travelers will continue somewhere. But for now, we will try to settle in what we have now and patch up our health as much as possible. And there will be more to come. Because…there will be more to come?..

Author: Sa Crea

Hellmin